So there I was, mindlessly browsing a podcast fan group on Facebook, when I noticed somebody looking for design help. I posted a link to my website, and a cool young dude, Korbin, reached out to me. 

"I'm a professional spiritual advisor," he said, linking me to a Facebook page for Queer Tarot Visions. 

Oh, hell yes.  

There is so much cool iconography associated with tarot cards and psychic readings, so I was pretty pumped. 

But here's the thing: Korbin isn't the kind of picture you get in your mind when you hear, "psychic." You probably think of a kooky old lady in a beaded shawl waving her long, bony fingers around a crystal sphere. No, this is a cool millennial psychic, a digital native's psychic. Someone who incorporates their personal identity in their work and specializes in social media. 

So I went into this process with three words in mind:

-modern
-queer
-mystical  

FIRST DRAFTS

I started out by thinking of ways to incorporate the rainbow when my eyes drifted down to the chunk of quartz resting on my desk. A ha!
​

So then I turned on some 80s new wave and made a second option that looks like Siouxsie and the Banshees met up with the gay illuminati at ULTA. 

FINAL PRODUCT

Korbin was into the second logo, but, understandably, wanted a more gender-neutral eye. While I might feel spiritually connected to a fierce cat eye, that doesn't mean that everybody else has to. He also wanted the eye filled in with white.

​Voila! Modern, mystical, and queer!

Check out Queer Tarot Vision on Facebook: www.facebook.com/queertarotvisions/

There are a couple of reasons why lists that involve families or parents are challenging.

One, Minnesota has been on a lot of them: best state for kids, best state for moms, best state for dads, best state to have a baby, best state to raise a family. That's great for our state, but it can be tough to keep it fresh as a graphic designer.

There are also a lot of ways to be really, really obvious. If you google "family," you'll see what I mean. You'll probably find a stock photo of a straight, white smiling nuclear family. You'll definitely find those "man" and "woman" icons you see on bathroom doors with tiny versions on either side to represent the 2.5 kids. Oh, and just to mix it up, here's a thin, attractive mom and dad forming a chain of intertwined hands with their khaki-clad spawn, facing the sunset. 

I'm gay and grew up with a single mom. The Minnesota family that I grew up with didn't look like that and the Minnesota family I'll have some day won't look like that. Minnesota families are gay families, immigrant families, single-parent families, blended families, rural families, and poor families. So how do you create something that celebrates Minnesota families in a way that allows for diverse bodies to see themselves reflected? One way to do it is to make those bodies into negative space. 

I'm asking you, the viewer, to fill in the blanks here. You could look at this and see a young, conventionally attractive white mom and dad and two white babies. If you want to. You could also see a Hmong family or a Latinx family. You could see two dads or a single parent with a teenager in the midst of a growth spurt. You could see your five-year-old son who wears hearing aids or your daughter who likes blue more than pink. The only thing we know about the implied family in this image (besides the fact that they wear shirts) is that they're Minnesotans. 

And there's no wrong way to be that. 

CHAPTER 2: BELIEFS, JUDGMENTS, AND CONSEQUENCES

LIST SOME BELIEFS YOU HAVE CREATED
Example: I do not have enough money


1. I always have enough money for the basics, but never anything to accumulate or do something BIG with.
2. Food makes me fat.
3. My family are difficult to be with.
4. People are disappointing.
5. I'm a "tough fat"

LIST SOME FEELINGS YOU HAVE ABOUT EACH BELIEF
Example: frustration, disappointment and shame

1. Frustration, self-hate
2. Self-loathing
3. Judgment, shame.
4. Self-loathing.
5. disappointment in "others".

LIST OF OTHER JUDGMENTS YOU HOLD
Example: Some people have too much money and some too little

1. Stupid people run my country
2. I'm smarter than 3/4 of the rich people on this planet
3. I limit myself again & again. 
4. I am a loser for being locked in limitation and knowing what I know!

LIST THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE ABOUT EACH JUDGEMENT
Example: annoyed and angry

1. disgust
2. self-loathing
3. self-loathing
4. self-loathing
                                 (I see a pattern...)

LIST CONSEQUENCES YOU HAVE CREATED FOR EACH BELIEF
Example: People do not respect me

1. I feel negative feelings about Govt.
2-4. I stay stuck in low-paying work--my "pay" is always tied to performance

TRACE A BELIEF THROUGH DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR LIFE AND FIND THE COMMON ELEMENT
Example: I do not have enough money. I am not smart enough. I am not successful enough in my career. I am not good looking enough. The common element is "I Am Not Enough"

Other people (who are not as smart as I am) are more successful than me. Why not me? I've gotten close lots of times. If I'm so brilliant, why am I so stuck?

The common element is: 
I compare myself to others and hate us both. 


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CHAPTER 3: MONEY IS ENERGY

LIST BELIEFS YOU HAVE ABOUT MONEY

1. I never have enough..
2. I struggle with every dime.
3. I've never saved money.
4. I spend money on things I don't care about.
5. I don't spend money on things that matter to me.
6. If I have it, I spend it.

LIST FEELINGS YOU HAVE ABOUT EACH BELIEF

1. Shame
2. Embarrassment/Shame
3. baffled
4. Stupid. I feel stupid.
5. I feel stupid.
6. Trashy.

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CHAPTER 9: THE GIFT OF SELF-APPRECIATION

LIST QUALITIES YOU HAVE THAT YOU APPRECIATE
Example: loyal, dependable, honest, talented

1. creative
2. beautiful
3. wise 
4. kind
5. helpful

LIST QUALITIES YOU HAVE THAT YOU DON'T APPRECIATE
Example: lazy, rigid, timid, unfocused

1. Bad with money.
2. ungrateful
3. pissy attitude/Competitive

Are you willing to embrace in unconditional love those qualities you don't appreciate each time one of them cones to your attention until they become creations you consider worthy of appreciation?

Yes.

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CHAPTER 16: THE PURPOSE OF BELIEFS, EVENTS AND CIRCUMSTANCES

LIST CREATIONS YOU CONSIDER WONDERFUL
Example: Had dinner at your favorite restaurant

The Denver trip.
Great sex.
Happy daughter.
GREAT co-workers
Nice home.
Fantastic neighborhood.
Sexy body.

LIST OF CREATIONS YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT
Example: Did not receive a raise in pay
- a few "extra pounds"
- not the best hair cut.
- too little money.
- not enough time
-too many deadlines

------------------------------------------------

Observations: it seems like this book is only half about money and half about God. All of the lines that this previous owner highlighted are about God. 

It was funny, the way I found out about Robin Williams’ passing. I was sitting with my boyfriend on the front steps of his house when Tom “the tall white guy with the afro who goes to every show ever” walked by, dragging his baggy sweatpants along the sidewalk.

“Hey, did you guys hear that Robin Williams died?”

“What?!”

“Yeah, it looks like it was a suicide.”

“What?!” “Oh, my God.” “That’s awful” etc.

“Yeah, so… I’m just walking around. Trying to shake it off. There was a cat on the corner. I’m gonna go check on it.”

And he was off.

It’s funny that, in 2014, the news came to us through such an ancient avenue. Rather than a midnight ride, it was an eight o’clock stroll. Rather than a horse and a lantern, it was a pair of worn out shoes and oversized headphones. Sure enough, when I checked Facebook later that night, friends were mourning the entertainer’s passing left and right.

Confusion. Sadness. Trending articles. Nostalgia. Tearful emoticons. Sadness again.

The linkstorm made me think of Ned Vizzini’s passing in December of 2013. I heard about from an A.V. Club article on my facebook feed. A message from the Internet with only the Internet to scream to.

His death was also a suicide. Learning that paralyzed me for a moment.

Ned Vizzini wrote a couple of novels that saw me through some rough and formative years. It’s Kind of a Funny Story was the first place I learned that suicidal ideations/attempts are considered cause for medical intervention as the story’s protagonist, Craig, calls the suicide hotline. Sometimes I wonder where I would be if Ned, through Craig, hadn’t told me that.

Robin Williams, similarly, meant a lot to us, collectively. He was a beloved figure who entertained and delighted generations of people with humor and poignance. He made the world smile year after year and he will be sorely missed.

He, like Vizzini, battled some very sad demons.

The conversation surrounding Williams’ passing has gone in a few different directions. Many people wondered how such a kind, funny, successful entertainer could have taken his own life. Others recounted times when Williams personally touched their lives: a cell phone photo in a rural Dairy Queen, a comforting conversation in a doughnut shop with a family after a funeral.

The sad truth is that plenty of ebullient and generous people die by their own hands. Robin Williams was a giver, and givers too often hold sadness like parasites on their warm hearts.

You probably have a giver in your life. At least, I hope you do. A giver is the person who brought you wine and a mix CD to comfort you after a breakup. She’s the one who makes a point to ask you how you’re doing when she sees you at work and always hopes for an honest answer. He’s the friend who walked you home from a party at three in the morning just to make sure you got in your bed safely and without freezing to death. She’s the one who made you cupcakes and watched a cheesy movie with you after a bad day. Your giver is exceptionally empathetic and, somehow, can always tell when you’re upset. A giver is an attentive listener who asks good questions and gives personalized advice whenever and wherever you need it. Your giver is kind without expecting anything in return. You trust your giver because your giver’s arms are always open. Maybe somebody’s giver is you.

In the conversation about Williams, some sent a succinct and clear message, “if you are depressed, get help,” which is, without a doubt, an important message to send. But here’s the thing about givers: they’re really good at faking it and really bad at asking for things.


A giver you love might be struggling with depression. They may have struggled with depression for years. Your giver may be very very sick in their mind or their body, but they still show up and fight their hurt every single day. They may have problems with their family. They may struggle with money. They may have faced trauma and tragedy that you can’t even begin to imagine. They may have an addiction. They may have lots of addictions. They may stare death in the face every time they get up in the morning, thinking, “maybe today is the day.” They may have tried to kill themselves already but, for whatever reason, still find themselves in this world, awake and breathing.

A giver you love may be in pain, even if they don’t show it.

When Ned Vizzini died, I thought of an unfinished letter I had planned on sending to him when I was 17. It’s probably still hidden in a spiral notebook somewhere in my bedroom. I forgot what it said exactly, but a big portion of it was probably “thank you.” Now he’s dead, I never sent the letter, and that makes me very sad.

Would a letter from a 17-year-old in Minnesota have prevented Ned Vizzini’s suicide? Probably not. A similar gesture probably wouldn’t have prevented Robin Williams’ suicide either. That’s not the point. The point is that thanks and gratitude and reciprocal kindness aren’t things that can be effectively asked for, especially when mental illness is in play, but they are things that can be infinitely given. By you.

If your giver is depressed, you can’t expect--or even hope--to “save” them. That’s a very self-indulgent thought. Hoping to be some kind of hero puts you at the center, and kindness should be selfless.

Right now, I’m asking you to be selfless. I’m asking you to give to your giver. To a person in your life who gives so much without expecting anything in return, give them something anyway, even if that’s just “Thank you.” Even if that’s just encouraging them to get the help that they would never ask for on their own.

To Robin Williams, thank you for, among other things, the way that Mrs. Doubtfire touched every child of divorce in some goofy, bizarre way.

To Ned Vizzini, thank you for penning the novel that made depression feel like less of a one-woman battle.

To all the givers in my life: Thank you. I love you and appreciate you. Help is out there, should you need it.

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Asking for help is hard, but if you are considering suicide or want more information on recognizing warning signs, go here.