Meeting at LaCroix HQ, late 2015 (a one-act play)

Lights up on a small conference room in a modest office building in La Crosse, Wisconsin. CHARLA, a LaCroix executive leans back in her office chair and takes a sip of extra-milky coffee from her UW Madison Badgers mug. BERT, a sales manager, enters from stage right with a stack of papers. He sits at the table across from CHARLA and gazes at his papers one more time, as if stunned by the information they contain.

Charla: Alright, Bert, give me the numbers for this quarter.

Bert: Well, m'am. As you can gather from this chart, we've seen a significant and steady increase in sales since--

Charla: What?! But it's not even suburban block party season!

Bert: I know. At first, I thought I had miscalculated, but--

Charla: What could be driving up sales all of a sudden?

Bert: Well, m'am, that's the most shocking part. It's...

Charla: It's what?

Bert: It's... 

Charla: Spit it out, Bert!

Bert: It's... (deep breath) the millennials.

(stunned silence)

Charla: That's impossible. The millennials kill everything!

Bert: I know. Chain restaurants, diamonds, department stores, movie theaters...

Charla: But you're telling me they're just crazy about crisp, refreshing, zero-calorie, naturally fruit-essenced sparkling water?

Bert: Nope. Just us. 

Charla: What?! 

Bert: Poland Springs, H2Oh!, Mendota... they've all been plateauing since the late 'aughts. But somehow... miraculously...

Charla: We've come out ahead. 

Bert: Not just that, we're... cool! They're making memes and parody songs! They're ranking our flavors in Buzzfeed listicles--pamlemousse is the runaway favorite, by the way. For chrissake, my daughter in Portland has called me twice this month! 

Charla: My God, Bert. Do you know what this means?

Bert: Yes, we've...

Charla: We've been... 

Bert and Charla (in unison): Chosen. 

END